Any day now...

In the beginning, this little blog was created out of insanity. My heart was breaking over losing my fifth (yes, fifth) pregnancy -- well into the second trimester. Jack had been diagnosed with autism not two months prior and I was caught between a rock and hard place. The hard place being this idea to keep our media company going. I truly believe that we would've been able to pull through it, had Jack been developing at a normal rate. But he isn't - it's taking a little bit longer. That's what I tell myself throughout the day when I realize how far away he is from his typical peers. But that's ok. He doesn't have to be something he is not, he has the right to be a child right now, because he is one. We take it a day at a time. 

If I hadn't lost the baby - she'd be about 40 weeks by now -- we'd be expecting her any day. My little girl. I never really found out what the sex was - but I know she was a girl. I could feel it. I never believed Kane was a girl, like all the scans said. They could never be sure, they'd say. I just knew it was Kane. 

I see little girls, sweet little baby girls wherever we are lately. They just pop out, always smiling and so completely saccharine sweet. This bitter sweetness wraps around my head, and I get teary-eyed. I can't help it. I allow myself to feel it. I wish I could have had her. I think about the way she'd look; maybe she'd have dark hair like me and long lashes like her Daddy. Maybe her eyes were green. This pain takes over me only when I succumb to it -- otherwise I quickly remind myself how much Jack needs me and his Dad, and how another baby might not be the best fit for our family. But you know, I don't know that. It could've been great. It would've probably been wonderful. She would've been my little sweet girl, someone to take to the shops or out to field to pick flowers, she'd have loved to play trucks with Kane and comforted Jack during a meltdown. I never had her, but I miss her. 

Hold on to what you have, however small or big. Sometimes the smallest of things can mean the most. I love you, baby. 

Jill

RECAP

I can report good progress; progress is the right direction - forward. Keep moving forward. We will take every forward movement with grace and appreciation - and try to savor it a little. In hallmarking this progress - I must blog. 

Jack is getting better at his speech therapy appointments; this means he's interacting more with his therapist and understanding and using more words appropriately. 

Also, he is using the potty on his own. He is going pee on the potty, standing up like a big boy and also is sitting for a poo. He has yet to actually go - but he tries while he sits. Super big progress - and the reason I've been forgetful to post. 

In lieu of this, we are working towards getting things in order to come home. That's all I will say about that because it is a huge, long process to break everything down here while trying to build something over there. I imagine an animated illustration of a city being deconstructed slowly, section by section---one floor of a towering skyscraper at a time. And simultaneously, a new city being built - brick by brick. 

Other news - Kane is starting to use meaningful words to my utter delight. He is asking to be lifted and says "UP!" to be brought closer to things he likes to touch, like the magnets on the fridge or the calendar hanging on the kitchen door. Just today, he said Uh-Oh while playing cars and watching them accidentally fall from the car tower. Blows my mind, this kid. He's not 18 months old yet and is not too far away from Jack in his language and comprehension. I'm SO, SO, SO completely grateful for him. He is my "ROCK" for lack of a better term -- he reminds me nearly every minute of the day that we need to stay strong and do our best for Jack - as a whole supportive unit - a true family. I've never felt so tested. I find it difficult to keep my cool 24/7 but I'm doing a damn good job, I think. 

Jack has a play date today with the neighbor boy - I'm so excited for him because Kane has been sick with flu all week and also teething - not a fun week to have off of school for mid-term break. 

We look forward to many more precious days of learning and growing - every day is a challenge and we will beat it - no matter what.

Love to you all,

Jill