Jack's Day

Today Jack's new speech was "house" when we pulled up to our home from getting groceries. That's a new one!  He also worked on the alphabet and numbers puzzles today quite a bit. He knew some of the letters either from memory or possibly he already knew them and didn't know how to articulate them yet? Amazing! We were working together on the alphabet puzzle and he suddenly said "aae-ch" and then again after he placed the letter "H" in its home. I was shocked. It was all by himself, all from out of no where. This feels like a new lease on life. I'm going to work even harder now, he's an amazing boy! I'm so lucky to be his mom!

Also, mission HAIRCUT 💇 was accomplished after school. He did pretty good, and even after being waken from a nap in the car. At first, he fought it a little on the way there but was better because of his Dad. Adrian knows just how to handle him in certain circumstances. I'm also so thankful for a great partner, I'd be gray and at my wits end without his help.

My first post in 2016.

I've been busy. We moved again before Christmas in order to be closer to Jack's school. I read over my blog and remember that feeling of terror and fear. A ghost in every room, that terror that he'd be gone forever. This fear that I'd have to raise my second son to take care of Jack in order to protect him from the cruel people that are most definitely out there. There are many. I've met plenty.

That fear is gone now. Jack is who he is, and we've settled into this life now; my shiny, new armor is tattered and worn, dented in many places and still remains. My head is clear and calm, it feels so serene. When I close my eyes, and even in my waking moments of silence -- I feel calm. This is in part because of Jack's progress but also because of my new understanding, and my commitment. For over a year, there was this anger that lingered inside my every thought. I felt angry that my baby was gone, that he struggles so much for expression and to understand what's happening around him.

Today hallmarks a huge step for Jack. He's beginning to read. He loves to ask me what the words mean, how they sound all while staring into my face, dead set on my mouth watching my every muscle movement. This kid is working! Tears are running down my face writing this, pure blissful tears -- the tears I shed when he was born felt this way.... an overwhelming, explosive love.

He finally has a "thing"  -- animals and their names, he has a THING! It's animals! He's putting numeric puzzles together that are appropriate for his age! I can't wait to teach him to read.
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU, JACK!

Tonight, in the bathtub he sang a song about a toy octopus. He made up a song about the octopus, and made flying and swimming sounds, making the octopus swim and fly around. My god, he's playing with toys. How is this happening all at once? I feel like I'm going to burst. I will not go on anymore about what I've "given up" or any of that shit. I've given up nothing. He deserves my undying love and will always have it. So will Kane. I will do whatever it takes. I no longer need to hold on to this fear that used to drive me. I felt this ticking inside of me. Every passing day, another lost to autism. This is not so anymore. Jack is waking up, you can feel his heart in his eyes. He's right there, ready to jump out. He's so beautiful -- I never knew this could be so beautiful.

I am healing my son.