The big DUH.

WOW. I had a major wake up call this last week. It has bee staring at me in the face, like a giant goddamn fucking big, bright, shiny THING! I mean, come on! Adrian and I have both struggled with our weight over the last two years. With the new business, Jack's autism diagnosis and Kane being born - things have been hectic and sad and beautiful. So, fast forward to Christmas - only 5 months ago. I began feeling soreness in my joints - especially my elbows and wrists so I attributed this to my ever-chopping duties to create Jack's menu. Well, long story short - I read Jenny McCarthy's first book just the other day called Louder Than Words. I read it in one night, fast, easy read and it was all about her son's autism diagnosis - so I flew right through it. She supplements his probiotic needs with something called ThreeLac. So, I Googled it. She also must have stock in Google because she mentions it about a million times throughout the book as being the best search engine ever. NOTED, Jenny. Noted.

So, ThreeLac is well and fine - expensive but a good probiotic from what I read. I then read a few other pages below giving it's cons. I was brought to a site stating it wasn't great, and so on and so --- etc. Whatever. THEN! And then, Candida and it's symptoms were listed. I had nearly all of them! JESUS H CHRIST. I have Candida Overgrowth! Love sweets and crave alcohol (beer) - YES. Sore joints - YES. Crabby - YES. Depressed - YES. Fatigue - YES. Prone to UTI/YIs - YES. And I give you exhibit A - my son Jack who has YEAST issues. DUH. Super duh, super biggest duh in the world fucking DUH WORLD. God, do I feel like an idiot. Also another symptom - brain fog, bad memory, etc- SUPER YES. I have all these things. Overweight, water retention and finding very difficult to move the weight off. SUPER, DUPER YES. I have found my problem! Here I am studying countless hours about this very subject for Jack and it's staring me in the face. I need to give up alcohol, sugar and dairy. TODAY. If I'm going to help Jack, and get our lives back on track this is what I have to do. I fully, completely understand now. Holy Fuck. I feel like I've finally seen some sort of LIGHT. Back to the research. 

Here's the plan. Take the first two weeks to detox from all the sugar, alcohol and dairy - I'm probably going to HERX. Just like Jack did. Candida DIE OFF. Can we spell FUN? (herxing is a reaction to the yeast dying off inside your body - when the bad bacteria die they give off toxins and it really upsets the flow of things. No pain, no gain buddies.)

Thing is - I have been struggling with a new decision to finally start taking really good care of myself for a LONG time. Probably before Jack was diagnosed a year ago. Having Kane really put it in hyper drive and I forgot to take care of my own body. It happens, I get it. I'm not going to beat myself up about how I got here. I know how it happened. It's the part about ending it and replacing old, nasty habits with good, happy habits. I don't think it will take long but the first couple of weeks are gonna SUUUUUUUUUUCK.

I don't want to feel like shit anymore. And I want to be present and healthy and HAPPY for my kids. This has to happen. It WILL happen.

It all starts now. 

Any day now...

In the beginning, this little blog was created out of insanity. My heart was breaking over losing my fifth (yes, fifth) pregnancy -- well into the second trimester. Jack had been diagnosed with autism not two months prior and I was caught between a rock and hard place. The hard place being this idea to keep our media company going. I truly believe that we would've been able to pull through it, had Jack been developing at a normal rate. But he isn't - it's taking a little bit longer. That's what I tell myself throughout the day when I realize how far away he is from his typical peers. But that's ok. He doesn't have to be something he is not, he has the right to be a child right now, because he is one. We take it a day at a time. 

If I hadn't lost the baby - she'd be about 40 weeks by now -- we'd be expecting her any day. My little girl. I never really found out what the sex was - but I know she was a girl. I could feel it. I never believed Kane was a girl, like all the scans said. They could never be sure, they'd say. I just knew it was Kane. 

I see little girls, sweet little baby girls wherever we are lately. They just pop out, always smiling and so completely saccharine sweet. This bitter sweetness wraps around my head, and I get teary-eyed. I can't help it. I allow myself to feel it. I wish I could have had her. I think about the way she'd look; maybe she'd have dark hair like me and long lashes like her Daddy. Maybe her eyes were green. This pain takes over me only when I succumb to it -- otherwise I quickly remind myself how much Jack needs me and his Dad, and how another baby might not be the best fit for our family. But you know, I don't know that. It could've been great. It would've probably been wonderful. She would've been my little sweet girl, someone to take to the shops or out to field to pick flowers, she'd have loved to play trucks with Kane and comforted Jack during a meltdown. I never had her, but I miss her. 

Hold on to what you have, however small or big. Sometimes the smallest of things can mean the most. I love you, baby. 

Jill

RECAP

I can report good progress; progress is the right direction - forward. Keep moving forward. We will take every forward movement with grace and appreciation - and try to savor it a little. In hallmarking this progress - I must blog. 

Jack is getting better at his speech therapy appointments; this means he's interacting more with his therapist and understanding and using more words appropriately. 

Also, he is using the potty on his own. He is going pee on the potty, standing up like a big boy and also is sitting for a poo. He has yet to actually go - but he tries while he sits. Super big progress - and the reason I've been forgetful to post. 

In lieu of this, we are working towards getting things in order to come home. That's all I will say about that because it is a huge, long process to break everything down here while trying to build something over there. I imagine an animated illustration of a city being deconstructed slowly, section by section---one floor of a towering skyscraper at a time. And simultaneously, a new city being built - brick by brick. 

Other news - Kane is starting to use meaningful words to my utter delight. He is asking to be lifted and says "UP!" to be brought closer to things he likes to touch, like the magnets on the fridge or the calendar hanging on the kitchen door. Just today, he said Uh-Oh while playing cars and watching them accidentally fall from the car tower. Blows my mind, this kid. He's not 18 months old yet and is not too far away from Jack in his language and comprehension. I'm SO, SO, SO completely grateful for him. He is my "ROCK" for lack of a better term -- he reminds me nearly every minute of the day that we need to stay strong and do our best for Jack - as a whole supportive unit - a true family. I've never felt so tested. I find it difficult to keep my cool 24/7 but I'm doing a damn good job, I think. 

Jack has a play date today with the neighbor boy - I'm so excited for him because Kane has been sick with flu all week and also teething - not a fun week to have off of school for mid-term break. 

We look forward to many more precious days of learning and growing - every day is a challenge and we will beat it - no matter what.

Love to you all,

Jill

Well, that was fun!

Yesterday, Jack went back to preschool. His teacher reported he was the best behaved of all of them. And while I find obvious joy in this - I have to say, this Christmas was pretty hard to get through. I masterfully (so I thought!?) scheduled a round of treatment for yeast and boy-oh-boy was that fun. SUPER NOT. Like He-Man style master of the universe GIANT NOT. 

Our days were filled with tantrums, meltdowns, aggression, sadness, frustration beyond belief peppered with moments of quiet chaos and long nights to recuperate for the next day's battle. Jack has yeast issues - let's just be clear about that. 

One might ask - what does that mean? What does that mean for a child with autism? What do you mean "treat"it? 

Firstly, yeast overgrowth is awful. You can take on any number of symptoms from grogginess to a yeast infection to thrush or gut issues, constipation, fatigue, etc. The list goes on and on and on. We know Jack has yeast issues because he test results showed so. Also, when he had the MMR at 13 months, he reacted with stomatitis - this is a bad thrush-like infection of the mouth. I remember calling the doctor about lumps in the back of his neck, at the base nearly in the nape but he brushed it off and told me not to worry. These are all big RED flags. Not every kid has a reaction to a vaccine. Some are prone to, kids like Jack are. Premature, major gut issues present from birth and predisposed to an intolerance to yeast. All these things play a role in autism, from my research and experience so far. So, to treat the overgrowth of yeast he has from his previous years full of wheat toast, cookies, crackers, biscuits and such - a high count probiotic is used to combat yeast and kill it off, then you can try to flush it out using other natural things like aloe vera juice. When the yeast dies, and it does die because the probiotic is so  strong and Jack is no longer taking in gluten so it's not being replenished. With this, you get "die-off" -- the yeast dies off and becomes toxic to his system. Gross. They do not go softly, let me tell you. It was really awful. He reacted just as I planned he would, proving that he still has quite a few issues with yeast. 

The idea is to heal the gut, replenish with nutrient rich food and supplements and work on speech/language to create an overall improvement. Once he feels better, he will learn easier and faster. So, the sooner this is done - the better. 

Understanding how the Gut and Brain Work

Back to the drawing board!

Hello Everyone! 
A quick thing to get you all up to speed....I have had Kane Daniel at home with me now so updating the blog has taken a backseat but I am going to work even harder to keep it current. A major reason being is that we've decided to move home to Minnesota. Thank GOD! I am relieved, terrified, disappointed and blissful about it - it's a little overwhelming. After a series of HELLO-wake up! calls, we have decided to close it down and return home. 

In the meantime, we are struggling to pay bills. Another reason to move back, the economy is bad here still and there is work in Minnesota. Adrian tells me this is our last Christmas here, please GOD let it work out. 

Ideally, we move back next fall/winter. Long before this I will need to get Jack situated into a preschool with some sort of assistant and arrange for him to go to school and see a speech therapist. 

I will not have insurance for some time, unless I can arrange for it before we return. A speech therapist here charges 150 euros for the first consultation and then 50 euros for every session. And unless you have good insurance to cover these costs - they are quite expensive in Minnesota as well. 

The question that runs through my brain, day in and out. 

How do I make things happen without money? How can I manage this, get this or that, for Jack without money? 

I've thought about getting a degree myself for Speech and Language to help Jack and other kids that struggle with language and communication - but there again. Money! And lots of time! Both of which I have none of, at the moment. Haha!

The health services here sometimes grant allowances for kids with special needs but you have got to FIGHT. As hard as you can, I'm in the middle of a battle now fighting to get Jack funding for help with his speech - help with testing and blood work lab fees. 

And then there are the books - I bought several books second hand on autism and how it happens, what the finding and studies show. What interventions I can use and how to implement them to grow Jack from the inside out. 

I would never wish this sort of struggle on anyone; to see your 4 year old unable to speak in sentences, even ask for something that you know he needs - it kills you as a parent. I am wired to care and nurture my kids, keep them safe. 

How will he be safe? What if something happens to me? Or his Dad? What will happen? Who will fight for him? What if I can't get him home? What if someone tries to hurt him and he can't tell anyone. Oh my god, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Autism, fuck you. 

That's reality and that's why I have to keep going. I hope all this will someday be a distant memory - a war we fought for freedom. The freedom to live in a world where we talk and laugh and tell jokes, read books and tell stories. I love you, Jack. Your mom's got a lot of fight left in her and she won't ever give up. 

xxx....until next time!

Peace and love to you all. 

New things.

A few new things to share:

• Jack and Kane play together for hours at a time now, either with toys or hide and seek - but during the whole time Jack is engaged and happy and laughing - all with his brother. It makes my heart sing, I feel my soul lighten. 
• Kane is SO smart. He is completing puzzles and pointing at things he wants and he understands how things go together. We are terribly proud and also relieved for him. He won't have to go through what Jack has. For that, I am grateful.
• Jack is doing very, very well in school and now when we play at Barneyz or a kid's club - he goes to interact with the children without being introduced or asked. 
• Jack is coloring now, he has never done this before or even noticed what it does - what he can create. He has to have a clean, white paper to get into it. No coloring books or lines already on paper - has to be fresh. So cute.
• A huge thing that happened last weekend was Adrian made contact with one of his other son's from his last marriage. They have been talking all week, and everything's changed. When we talk about moving back home, it's exciting and not stressful or sad. He is like a different man - like he has something to look forward to - hope for. It's made all the difference in him and I can't wait for us all to be together some day. Soon!
• Jack is learning new words every day, asking for things by request (no pointing or grunting) and also the stimming is finally calming down. It seems the older Kane gets and can play with him, the happier they both are. They are true best friends - again, SO grateful. 
• We went to the discount store for Halloween decorations and came away with a lot of stuff for only 10 euro. We've lit cinnamon candles and decorated the house for this coming Friday night when we take the kids out together for the first time. I think Jack will finally understand what Halloween is - we are so completely excited!!!

A list.

Sorry I've been away for a time - about a month. It's been a full one -- packed with ups and downs - sad to say mostly downs but hopefully on the up and up. Here's a list in no order of what's happened over the last four weeks.

1. My dear father and mother sent over money for Jack's tests - THANK YOU!
2. My dear friend and SIL Melissa sent over a gift card for the grocery store so we were able to get stocked up on some things for the kids. YES! and THANK YOU!
3. Jack is doing so great at his new school and is starting to already repeat most words back to you -- sometimes you have to ask him to say them back and sometimes you don't! GREAT progress! 
4. My bank debit card was used for a nice hotel stay in Greece - except I wasn't there. Double whammy - theft is awesome. NOT. 
5. After many days of dealing with the banks - we got the money back yesterday. THANKFUL!
6. Our business is tapering off and after receiving a letter in the mail from a solicitor regarding a comment made on a Facebook page --- honestly, we've been ripped off and taken advantage of for too long. I don't care to ever see or talk to another race organizer or cyclist again. I want to tell them all to EFF OFF. EFF you. (sorry - needed to get that out) Whew - better now. 
7. With the new changes in our work - I've decided to use my talents to shoot weddings. The last two I've done went super and all smiles, great feedback, paid on time, etc. -- All very positive things. I've decided to firmly remove my head from my ass and wake up - let this cycling thing go. I can't devote myself or my mind like I need/want to so I always feel like I'm half-assing it. It's either I half-ass being a mother or a career person. My kids come second never. Not even close, they get top to the tenth priority. 
8. Kane is growing up so smart and healthy - doing amazing things already. He's only 13 months old and walking, gabbing away, waving bye-bye and hello - pointing to things of interest and so affectionate and loving. He's also very much his own person - he loves to play with other kids of all ages and enjoys Jack's company most of all. I'm very grateful for his progress and overall health. 
9. We've been solicited for a few cycling jobs for next year and while this is good, I just want to cut the ties - Adrian has other ideas. 
10. I need friends. I have no driver's license - going on a year and I might crack up soon if I don't get it renewed. Get on it, Leonard!
DRAMA!