Sadly, miscarriage is a taboo subject in our big world today and it affects 1 of 4 women, every single day. I'm not going to hide this, it's already hard enough - we should all be able to talk freely about these things - loss is already terrible on it's own. There is no room for shame or embarrassment or guilt.
For anyone that knows me well, I should have, and still may, become a doctor. I don't shy from injury or blood but rather have a respectful fascination for the human body and it's workings. We humans are really quite amazing - our capacity to heal, change, adapt and create marvel me.
For anyone that knows me well, I should have, and still may, become a doctor. I don't shy from injury or blood but rather have a respectful fascination for the human body and it's workings. We humans are really quite amazing - our capacity to heal, change, adapt and create marvel me.
Last night, I delivered my 13 week old baby and with days of preparation, mentally and physically - it's still been one of the most difficult, sad days of my life. I started bleeding lightly last Thursday, worked all day on Friday feeling really good, then after sleeping in Saturday morning, I began to bleed and just felt it was over. Throughout the weekend I passed very large clots, seemingly what would be the baby and the surrounding tissue - though now looking back there wasn't nearly enough blood to warrant a true passing but I believed it so because of the contractions I felt. Little did I know -- these were very simple cramps not contractions - those came in waves of pounding pain last night for about 3 hours. I rang the midwife on call at the maternity hospital - she explained everything to me.
Just as my feet and toenails grew very cold after my water broke with my first, Jack - it happened again last night. I knew I was in labor, I was having contractions every 2 minutes, with the waxing and waning of pain just as in full term labor. My god, I had no idea. Women do this for days - crazy town. Just completely insane. But it's worth it in the end because you get to hold your baby and your body goes into auto-repair mode, saturated in those lovely chemical reactions to labor, breastfeeding and bonding with your new little one. This does not happen when you miscarry - you feel awful and then your loss is right in front of you, lifeless.
Just as my feet and toenails grew very cold after my water broke with my first, Jack - it happened again last night. I knew I was in labor, I was having contractions every 2 minutes, with the waxing and waning of pain just as in full term labor. My god, I had no idea. Women do this for days - crazy town. Just completely insane. But it's worth it in the end because you get to hold your baby and your body goes into auto-repair mode, saturated in those lovely chemical reactions to labor, breastfeeding and bonding with your new little one. This does not happen when you miscarry - you feel awful and then your loss is right in front of you, lifeless.
Around 9pm I got into the shower to clean up and knew something was happening - I felt a literal detachment inside me. I felt it. I can't describe how subtle it felt. It was like a simple string being pulled gently to release a little balloon and then the baby inside the sac, just came out. After this happened, all the pain subsided and I started to bleed a little. I felt a little shaky but mostly exhausted and groggy. I ate a little and fell asleep.
Adrian was with me the whole time, holding my hand and rubbing my back and hugging me when he could between trips to the bathroom following contractions. I can tell he's devastated too but it wasn't meant to be this time. And we have two completely beautiful and wonderful sons that need us, I'm so grateful for them. Grateful in a way I've never felt before. Children are the light of the world, they show us how pure and simple love can be - how unconditional true love really is.
I love you, baby - we all love you. Goodbye.
xxoo, momma
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