Back to the drawing board!

Hello Everyone! 
A quick thing to get you all up to speed....I have had Kane Daniel at home with me now so updating the blog has taken a backseat but I am going to work even harder to keep it current. A major reason being is that we've decided to move home to Minnesota. Thank GOD! I am relieved, terrified, disappointed and blissful about it - it's a little overwhelming. After a series of HELLO-wake up! calls, we have decided to close it down and return home. 

In the meantime, we are struggling to pay bills. Another reason to move back, the economy is bad here still and there is work in Minnesota. Adrian tells me this is our last Christmas here, please GOD let it work out. 

Ideally, we move back next fall/winter. Long before this I will need to get Jack situated into a preschool with some sort of assistant and arrange for him to go to school and see a speech therapist. 

I will not have insurance for some time, unless I can arrange for it before we return. A speech therapist here charges 150 euros for the first consultation and then 50 euros for every session. And unless you have good insurance to cover these costs - they are quite expensive in Minnesota as well. 

The question that runs through my brain, day in and out. 

How do I make things happen without money? How can I manage this, get this or that, for Jack without money? 

I've thought about getting a degree myself for Speech and Language to help Jack and other kids that struggle with language and communication - but there again. Money! And lots of time! Both of which I have none of, at the moment. Haha!

The health services here sometimes grant allowances for kids with special needs but you have got to FIGHT. As hard as you can, I'm in the middle of a battle now fighting to get Jack funding for help with his speech - help with testing and blood work lab fees. 

And then there are the books - I bought several books second hand on autism and how it happens, what the finding and studies show. What interventions I can use and how to implement them to grow Jack from the inside out. 

I would never wish this sort of struggle on anyone; to see your 4 year old unable to speak in sentences, even ask for something that you know he needs - it kills you as a parent. I am wired to care and nurture my kids, keep them safe. 

How will he be safe? What if something happens to me? Or his Dad? What will happen? Who will fight for him? What if I can't get him home? What if someone tries to hurt him and he can't tell anyone. Oh my god, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Autism, fuck you. 

That's reality and that's why I have to keep going. I hope all this will someday be a distant memory - a war we fought for freedom. The freedom to live in a world where we talk and laugh and tell jokes, read books and tell stories. I love you, Jack. Your mom's got a lot of fight left in her and she won't ever give up. 

xxx....until next time!

Peace and love to you all. 

New things.

A few new things to share:

• Jack and Kane play together for hours at a time now, either with toys or hide and seek - but during the whole time Jack is engaged and happy and laughing - all with his brother. It makes my heart sing, I feel my soul lighten. 
• Kane is SO smart. He is completing puzzles and pointing at things he wants and he understands how things go together. We are terribly proud and also relieved for him. He won't have to go through what Jack has. For that, I am grateful.
• Jack is doing very, very well in school and now when we play at Barneyz or a kid's club - he goes to interact with the children without being introduced or asked. 
• Jack is coloring now, he has never done this before or even noticed what it does - what he can create. He has to have a clean, white paper to get into it. No coloring books or lines already on paper - has to be fresh. So cute.
• A huge thing that happened last weekend was Adrian made contact with one of his other son's from his last marriage. They have been talking all week, and everything's changed. When we talk about moving back home, it's exciting and not stressful or sad. He is like a different man - like he has something to look forward to - hope for. It's made all the difference in him and I can't wait for us all to be together some day. Soon!
• Jack is learning new words every day, asking for things by request (no pointing or grunting) and also the stimming is finally calming down. It seems the older Kane gets and can play with him, the happier they both are. They are true best friends - again, SO grateful. 
• We went to the discount store for Halloween decorations and came away with a lot of stuff for only 10 euro. We've lit cinnamon candles and decorated the house for this coming Friday night when we take the kids out together for the first time. I think Jack will finally understand what Halloween is - we are so completely excited!!!

A list.

Sorry I've been away for a time - about a month. It's been a full one -- packed with ups and downs - sad to say mostly downs but hopefully on the up and up. Here's a list in no order of what's happened over the last four weeks.

1. My dear father and mother sent over money for Jack's tests - THANK YOU!
2. My dear friend and SIL Melissa sent over a gift card for the grocery store so we were able to get stocked up on some things for the kids. YES! and THANK YOU!
3. Jack is doing so great at his new school and is starting to already repeat most words back to you -- sometimes you have to ask him to say them back and sometimes you don't! GREAT progress! 
4. My bank debit card was used for a nice hotel stay in Greece - except I wasn't there. Double whammy - theft is awesome. NOT. 
5. After many days of dealing with the banks - we got the money back yesterday. THANKFUL!
6. Our business is tapering off and after receiving a letter in the mail from a solicitor regarding a comment made on a Facebook page --- honestly, we've been ripped off and taken advantage of for too long. I don't care to ever see or talk to another race organizer or cyclist again. I want to tell them all to EFF OFF. EFF you. (sorry - needed to get that out) Whew - better now. 
7. With the new changes in our work - I've decided to use my talents to shoot weddings. The last two I've done went super and all smiles, great feedback, paid on time, etc. -- All very positive things. I've decided to firmly remove my head from my ass and wake up - let this cycling thing go. I can't devote myself or my mind like I need/want to so I always feel like I'm half-assing it. It's either I half-ass being a mother or a career person. My kids come second never. Not even close, they get top to the tenth priority. 
8. Kane is growing up so smart and healthy - doing amazing things already. He's only 13 months old and walking, gabbing away, waving bye-bye and hello - pointing to things of interest and so affectionate and loving. He's also very much his own person - he loves to play with other kids of all ages and enjoys Jack's company most of all. I'm very grateful for his progress and overall health. 
9. We've been solicited for a few cycling jobs for next year and while this is good, I just want to cut the ties - Adrian has other ideas. 
10. I need friends. I have no driver's license - going on a year and I might crack up soon if I don't get it renewed. Get on it, Leonard!
DRAMA!

A GOOD DAY.

As I truly felt in my heart, Jack belongs in a "typical" Montessori and I can't tell you how relieved I am that I finally found the right fit for his needs. A wonderful, patient, sharp, sweet lady named Lynda has a small, rural school about 10 minutes out of town. We went to visit her on Wednesday, had a great chat, and I decided to start Jack that very next day. The top pic is of his first day and the second is just of today, so he's getting on brilliantly. She reports that he is very happy, playing away and exploring everything and making efforts to connect with the other children. Music to my ears, Lynda -- music to my ears! Everyone has "gifts"or something they are meant for - her calling is definitely child rearing and schooling. She is honest, trustworthy, and dedicated to my son, and him alone while he can be in an environment that is a perfect example of how children his age act and behave, while learning social skills too. 

As I type this - I'm crying. These kids have no place in the world yet. They are classified as "special needs" or disabled and for whatever true reason - the numbers are climbing. 

ONE IN TWENTY boys have autism. 

What's even stranger is the health service team that looks after Jack's "development" did not like the idea of me placing him into a typical environment - they were actually shocked I suggested different methods and approaches, after all they are the experts. 

So, after his diagnosis in late June, after a solid week of obsessive research - I found the forums online full to the brim with experienced parents with more knowledge of diet, schooling and development than any "team" I'd met. I wanted to find out what the other mothers had to say, what they would've done differently -- what they learned on this road through Autismland. 

Every single one of these "proactive" (head out of the sand type) mothers/practitioners/recoverers said TYPICAL. He needs to be in a typical Montessori setting. NOT an ASD Unit. 

So, then I said -- why? -- why are these professionals telling me, urging me, to place Jack in this ASD school? Why are they not listening to ME? His mother, hi - that's me - I'm with him about 95% of the time he's awake, and never away from him longer than a day at a time, mostly less. Why aren't these people listening to us? I never, ever wanted to take Jack to St. Anne's and it's absolutely for no other reason other than I truly believe he will learn from his peers. If the kids at St. Anne's can't walk, talk, or refrain from attacking each other - why would I send him there? 

Anyway--he's out of that school now and doing so much better only after two days!! So exciting!

If I can get his stool/urine tests done and start Jean's plan we will really be making good steps towards a recovery. And I'll settle for nothing less than a recovery. He will have an amazing life full of love and happiness - I could care less what he does with his life as long as he's happy and content. I just want him to realize how much he's loved. 

Thank you to my sweet, sweet sister-in-law BFF Mo for sending over a giftcard to get all of Jack's groceries this week -- it will really help out! Love you!

FUA

Today, I received the test kits for Jack's stool and urine samples. Not sure if this will happen anytime soon, sad to say as each of these are roughly 350 euros each, yes --- each. I'll find a way somehow. Right now, with work at it's slowest of the year and rent going up it's not looking good but if there's a will there's a way. RIGGHHHTTT?! 

It's no wonder that people are so FREAKING HAPPY when/if they get approved for the Domiciliary Care Allowance because at least you have a fighting chance to get the help you need for your kid.
It's funny how I used to give a shit about makeup or my clothes or fucking jewelry - I never really spent any real money on "stuff" and as a proud clearance Target shopper knowing all the days they marked everything down - none of that shit matters. (sorry for the potty-mouth). This is MY space to vent, so.....this sucks. A lot. I guess I have to remain thankful for what I have, count my blessings but some days that sucks too. I don't want to count my fucking blessings right now, I want to get these tests sent in so I can figure out why the hell my child blows raspberries for 10 hours a day and contorts his arms and face as he flicks his fingers and makes a choking sound while doing it. 

I want fucking answers. And I want to fix him. Fuck You Autism.

The. Stress.

Lahinch Beach, September 2014

And so it begins....the school year. With this comes stress, worry, doubt, and did I say...STRESS. I am at a loss right now trying to decide which is a better fit for Jack - this ASD unit or a typical Montessori where Jack will learn from his peers.

We went to the beach over the weekend and Jack was TERRIFIED of the water. He used to love it but things certainly do change, and while we hope for new, good change.....we cope and count the good things we do have.  

A love.

Can I just say that this little fella saves me every day. Saves me from ever giving up or getting tired, or losing hope. He makes my heart sing, my darling Kane.

School Dilemma Update & Devil Worshipping (not really, calm down) :)

Ok, so I met with Marian, Jack's teacher at St. Anne's School for Special Needs. We talked about my concerns and their plan for him, and after leaving I felt much better about him attending there. She completely agreed with my concerns and promised to work with me, keeping me informed of his progress. 

When I asked about her training she said she's been through every single available course around autism and the therapies in place. She is very positive and we agree the best scenario for Jack would be mainstream school next year. 

In the meantime, I'm going to implement our plan for supplements and diet changes based off of Jean's recommendations. Here begins the long hard road, where we give back to Jack what he needs and worry less about our own needs. Every single penny will have to go into his care and wow - it's not cheap. I applied for the Domiciliary Care Allowance a few weeks ago and that can take up to 14 weeks to get - IF you get it (very difficult to get approved) BUT - they do back date it to the time of diagnosis. We would find out sometime then in November and I suppose I could hold off on therapies and supplements until then but this is his window - from 3 -5 years old and he's turning 4 in November. Any loving mom would start now - so I'll do what I can. The diet is expensive but I'm used to living cheap and cutting corners so I'll put all that into practice to get him what he needs. 

Jill, Also--remember a bread machine/food processor can be bought second hand online. (adverts, donedeal, etc) 

Jack has a tough time with textures and espeically chewing any type of meat so I'll have to get crafty at getting that into him - protein is a major part of supporting his immune system while the supplements and other parts of the diet programme work to heal his gut issues. 

As if it's not hard enough to watch your baby stim on something for an hour, you have to figure out how to squeeze every dime into his recovery care. 
At this point I'd sell my soul to save his - if only I believed in the devil. 

There are really only two ways to deal with this all - just like with everything else in life.

1.You can stick your head in the sand, continue, hoping and praying for change all the while appreciating what you have and learning to be content with it. 

OR 

2. You can dive in. Find those people to facilitate the change you want to see for you and the ones you love. Streamline all effort and time into recovery, healing and peace. 

I'm not giving up.

Word Inventory

As difficult as this is -- because he can say so few words, I have to take inventory so we can track his progress.


Jack's current word inventory:

1.  Hi
2.  Bye-bye or BYE!
3.  Daw-Tee (Kane-y)
4.  Daddy
5.  Mommy
6.  What's this
7.  WOW!
8.  More
9.  Yummy
10.  Yay!
11. Oh no!
12. Shoes
13. Poopy
14. Potty
15. Kitty
16. Meow
17. A bath
18. Thank you
19. Please
20. Hug/Kiss

Working on:
Jump
Apple
Milk
Medicine
Oil
Lotion
Bedtime

School Dilemma

Jack was accepted into a special school for kids with ASD and has attended for two hours the last two days. I hate the idea of him going here. The kids are all non-verbal and don't even really make sounds - they just seem a lot more severe than Jack. 

I also found a lovely mother of 4 that runs a rural Montessori who is actively seeking a child with ASD to further her education - this is a typical setting and I fear sending him here might not give him the specialized help the other school can. But this school has a routine, structure and a normal environment with special attention to Jack. 

My god, I've never cried about something seemingly so trivial in my life. What do I do?

I've got a meeting with Montessori tomorrow at noon to check things out -- we will see. 

I've also got a meeting request with Jack's teacher at the ASD school to go over the following concerns:

1. How will Jack learn in a non-verbal environment?
2. What example does he have of typical behavior expected at his age?
3. What will they do to help potty train? 
4. What therapies will be implemented for speech development?
5. Will they adhere to his diet?

How to Get Jack Back

Yesterday, Adrian and I made the journey to Tipperary, to meet Jean Muscroft. Jean is a registered, certified, trusted naturopathic doctor and dietician, and came highly recommended in the proactive autism world. She wanted to meet Jack in person, check out his nails, skin, behavior and temperament. Over the last week I filled out her 20 page questionnaire outlining Jack's health, illness, vaccines, allergies, treatments, etc from birth. 

Immediately following his diagnosis in late June, I started him on the gluten free, casein free diet.  His diet's very low sugar and very little processed foods other than a small bag of plain crisps ever so often. So, here is a menu sample:

Breakfast

2 Eggs scrambled with olive oil - grated courgettes or onion OR
1 Avocado pureed with 2 bananas and a sweet potato (this is his yogurt) OR
2-4 rice cakes with nut butter and a little maple syrup

Lunch/Dinner

Rice noodles with chicken and veggies sauteed OR 
Brown rice/Quinoa with lamb and veggies OR
Salmon with broccoli and rice pilaf (minced peppers, onion, garlic)

Snacks

coconut milk 
almond milk
pistachios

Juicing - 1 or 2 glasses per day
carrots, celery, cucumber, apples, spinach, kale


The issues we need to address with his diet are as follows:
1. Add more protein; even if it's pureed and added to his yogurt - it's more important that he get the protein than worry about him chewing (to develop motor functions of the mouth)
2. Purify water supply; our city water comes from the old system of pipes were leaking lead could possibly be an issue. Get a water filter jug asap and use that for everyone's water - this includes cooking with. 
3. Adding a few supplements; aloe vera juice, calcium, etc. A detailed outline of our meeting will arrive to me on Monday.
4. Pull back on the probiotic and see what happens over the weekend as Jack had a terrible weekend past herxing and stimming - probably due to candida (yeast) die off from the high count probiotic. Instead of this slow, plainful die off - Jean wants to get the test results back from his pee/poo labs and go from there. When we do this die off - it will be all in ONE week. It will be hell but it's got to be done, rather than dragging out for Jack. 
5. Lessen the amount of epsom salts in the bath but give every day instead of every other day, start with a spoonful and work up to two teacups each bath. Kane is encouraged to take these baths as well and also start taking the fish oil.
6. Stop the peanut butter, and start other nut butters - he had a lot of PB this weekend and stimmed like crazy. There is a mold issue with peanut butter that is not well known, causing allergic reactions that take the form of stimming for ASD kids.
7. Switch out his pillow to an allergy free, and get allergy free covers for his blankets and pillow. 

A few other issues:

ASD kids are sensitive to mold and our house in Dromadrehid was FULL of it. The house was so wet with condensation it dripped down the walls, and many rooms had mold growing up the ceilings. Jack lived there for a year with us, we moved in and he received his MMR only weeks later. We thought it might be an issue with the mold growth, and it turns out it was. 

Jack's MMR gave him severe reactions: within two weeks he developed stomatitis which is an awful, painful lesion virus in your mouth. It's a strain of the herpes virus. THEN, after just recovering from that, he picked up chicken pox. Another, herpes virus - just a different strain again. Dr. Jean believes there is a correlation between Jack's immune system, his autistic-like symptoms and these infections. His immune system could believe he is still fighting these viruses, possibly because they could still be present in his gut. (PUKE)

She also wants to address the issue with his skin - the many, many bumps on his arms and legs - almost pin like hard pimples. This is a fatty acid deficiency so the fat in protein like fish and the oils will help with this. 

She also wants an x-ray of his stomach done to make absolutely sure there are no blockages in his gut, we need Dr. Ralph to order that. He also needs to order a urine test for some deficiencies that could also be affecting his behavior. All those details of what to tell the doctor are coming in Monday's outline from Jean. 


These are photos of Jack before we moved to Ireland, he was around 6 months old...more later.

Whistleblower inside the CDC - Autism/Vaccine Link

So, this is happening....all these people claiming that vaccines have NOTHING to do with causing autism can go suck an egg. 

You were wrong! Our kids are sick, and this is only the beginning. I have inside sources directly in the middle of all this and it's coming down tomorrow. I can't wait!

A loss.

(Please do not read this post if you are squeamish about miscarriage, loss, or have a weak stomach for graphic details, you've been warned.)

Sadly, miscarriage is a taboo subject in our big world today and it affects 1 of 4 women, every single day.  I'm not going to hide this, it's already hard enough - we should all be able to talk freely about these things - loss is already terrible on it's own. There is no room for shame or embarrassment or guilt. 

For anyone that knows me well, I should have, and still may, become a doctor. I don't shy from injury or blood but rather have a respectful fascination for the human body and it's workings. We humans are really quite amazing  - our capacity to heal, change, adapt and create marvel me.

Last night, I delivered my 13 week old baby and with days of preparation, mentally and physically - it's still been one of the most difficult, sad days of my life. I started bleeding lightly last Thursday, worked all day on Friday feeling really good, then after sleeping in Saturday morning, I began to bleed and just felt it was over. Throughout the weekend I passed very large clots, seemingly what would be the baby and the surrounding tissue - though now looking back there wasn't nearly enough blood to warrant a true passing but I believed it so because of the contractions I felt. Little did I know -- these were very simple cramps not contractions - those came in waves of pounding pain last night for about 3 hours. I rang the midwife on call at the maternity hospital - she explained everything to me.

 Just as my feet and toenails grew very cold after my water broke with my first, Jack - it happened again last night. I knew I was in labor, I was having contractions every 2 minutes, with the waxing and waning of pain just as in full term labor. My god, I had no idea. Women do this for days - crazy town. Just completely insane. But it's worth it in the end because you get to hold your baby and your body goes into auto-repair mode, saturated in those lovely chemical reactions to labor, breastfeeding and bonding with your new little one. This does not happen when you miscarry - you feel awful and then your loss is right in front of you, lifeless. 

Around 9pm I got into the shower to clean up and knew something was happening - I felt a literal detachment inside me. I felt it. I can't describe how subtle it felt. It was like a simple string being pulled gently to release a little balloon and then the baby inside the sac, just came out. After this happened, all the pain subsided and I started to bleed a little. I felt a little shaky but mostly exhausted and groggy. I ate a little and fell asleep. 

Adrian was with me the whole time, holding my hand and rubbing my back and hugging me when he could between trips to the bathroom following contractions. I can tell he's devastated too but it wasn't meant to be this time. And we have two completely beautiful and wonderful sons that need us, I'm so grateful for them. Grateful in a way I've never felt before. Children are the light of the world, they show us how pure and simple love can be - how unconditional true love really is. 

I love you, baby - we all love you. Goodbye.

xxoo, momma

Kane

Kane, my blue-eyed beauty turns 1 year old in a few weeks. He is waving bye-bye/saying it at the same time already! My butter is a snuggle bunny, has the most hilarious dragon voice which he uses while roughing around with Jack. He's such a bright little boy and gives me so much hope for our family. I know he'll be the one trying to make everyone laugh by making silly faces or just being goofy. He's the first face I see every single morning and when we get up together,  I make him a bottle and myself coffee for our little hour of play time. It's honestly the most fun I have all day, this little hour with Kane. He loves passing a ball back and forth, and has started to point at things he likes. MOMMA LOVES YOU, KANE!

NO.

I just found out that Robin Williams killed himself. Can it be true? Really, utterly true? Can a man with such a vivid mind, full of emotion - clever as the night is long ---- can a person like that kill himself? He was so full of life, maybe it was too much life in one body - maybe he spilled over. I can't begin to understand how his daughter and wife must feel, how could you not know? How could he leave them? I have a lot of questions. I can't begin to even try to understand what's happening. 

How could he not realize that he'd be missing out on SO many things? How can you not care enough to wonder what's in the future - what about grandkids? What about anniversaries and birthdays? What about picnics and camping? What about dying with loved ones around you or using up your body and your mind until you've given everything you've got to this life? 

Suicide will forever more remain my ultimate bewilderment, I've felt pain and been severely depressed in my life. I've had someone try to do it in front of me. And it made me SO angry. How dare she try to share it with me, I wanted to live. Maybe it's a way of finally showing the world and all your loved ones in it -- that you are in true pain and there's no escape. Maybe you get tired? 

Whatever the reason he did it, I'm sick about it. I feel absolutely heartbroken. There's never been, and will ever be, another Robin Williams. *I hope you're resting well, bud.*

"Secret Weapon" for overall health....Garlic!

Allow me to please introduce my nasty love, garlic. Here's what you do:

1. Decide if you are a bad-ass (3 cloves) or not (1 clove)
2. Peel said clove(s)
3. Using a fork, press firmly over cloves to "mash" or "crush" cloves
4. Using a knife, chop mashed pieces into pill size shapes
5. WAIT 15 MINUTES for awesomeness to happen
6. After 15 minutes, place the garlic into your mouth, at the back of your throat (like you would with vitamins or pills) and drink down with water.
7. Enjoy the health benefits listed below - REPEAT DAILY

Garlic has been proven to retard the cancer cell development for lung, skin, breast and colon cancers - it's not necessarily a total cure (duh) but it definitely packs a punch.

By mashing or finely crushing the garlic, and waiting 15 minutes - a beautiful enzyme called allicin is made and this is the stuff of the gods. This enzyme is the cancer fighter - so let it rest.

Here's a little pro info from a doctor on garlic:

Garlic fights cancer in the lymphatic system - 
Why is solubility important? Because there are two circulatory systems in the human body, one for water-soluble solutions (the arterial/venous system) and one for fat or oil-soluble compounds (the lymphatic system). Since some cancer cells spread via the lymphatic system, that would seem to imply that some are oil-soluble and can be found by DADS or DATS via the lymphatic system. SAC can spread throughout the body to find cancer cells via the circulatory system, due to its water-solubility. If you can send compounds that retard the cellular division and, therefore, slow the growth of cancer cells into your body via both channels, you increase your chances of being able to control, or maybe slow down the rate of development of the cancer. It's good to know that garlic has both kinds of compounds. Garlic naturally has a high level of selenium, which has been shown to have anti-tumor properties also. 



Good luck and happy crushing!

xxoo

Oh, how I miss...

MY FAMILY. 

I haven't been home for over three years. I haven't hugged my mom or drank a beer with my dad--I haven't kissed my new niece, Elora or high-fived my brother, played cards and ate peanuts with my best friends for 1,110 days. 

So many things have happened back home, and also here to my new family in Ireland. I am completely grateful for the experience living here because I would NEVER have gotten it at home. It will change me forever, hopefully for the better. I'm sure for the better. 

It is not in vain -- I've learned how to fight. Fight for what I want. Fight to even find out what matters most. And what that is - is FAMILY. There is nothing like having people in your corner, blood that is everlasting -- people who get you and if they don't - they don't care how weird you dress or how what color your hair is. 

They care about your life -- what you're in to, what you do with your kids and how you spend your time. I miss them terribly - hope to come home soon. For good. I'll be putting all of it out - my plans, what I want, what I need, what concerns me and what I won't be doing when we return. 

*Below are some shots of my lovely family and some of the pictures they took of Jack when he was a baby.

Jill, xxxooo

Alisha's Grad Party (5 months pregnant with Jack)

Grandpa Dan with Elora Mae

Jackie Bear - 4 months old

Cara holding Jack at Cole and Melissa's Wedding

Mo's Bachlorette Party

Nan and Jack

Elora's Baptism

My Dad is the best <3

It could be worse....

                                    (bath time is the only real solace to be had during this last week) 

In Ireland they have "holidays"which is a standard time every year when you go away and vacation somewhere out the country. So, the daycare (creche) took their holidays from August 1st through the 19th and boy-oh-boy do they deserve it. Granted, they have a good number of children to care for but each room maintains a ratio of 1 to 3. One person to three kids, they are licensed, trained and backgrounded (garda vetted). I will never again take them for granted, because holy shit this is hard work. I don't know if it's just first trimester tiredness in combination with Adrian being gone editing for most of every day and night but I am basically a single mother right now because he absolutely has to get this work done. I feel for him, he gets no sleep and has to be on the phone all day long arranging everything for this production. I am cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, feeding/cleaning/bathing/entertaining/working also so it's been a rough week, to say the least. I'm SO tired by 9pm and proven to be worthless to anyone after the kids go to bed. I have started to line my stomach with anything sugar related, basically binge eating and then crash to sleep around 10 or 11pm. FUN! On a better note, at least my kids are healthy. I've started to juice for the boys to get going on this GAPS diet in prep for Jack's new diet but the timing couldn't be worse. Oh well, it always could be worse. RIGHT!?

The first post..

I had to find a space to get all this stuff out of me, down on "paper".....just out. I've got so much going on -- I can't really focus on grammar or interesting text right now. I feel like I need a mind dump before I can get back to myself again. What's been going lately -- well, my son, Jack, who is my first born son, was diagnosed with Autism in late June after years of dreadful wonder. We were told in so many words to push for a diagnosis and that he was, in fact, not autistic but just a late bloomer. He is nearly 4 now and still can't hold a conversation. Bringing him to public places filled with "typical" kids is heartbreaking. I FEEL his frustration - not just in his frustration but his eyes. He seems so sad that he can't control himself, and his stimming. Stimming is self stimuation that brings calm, happiness, and comfort to Jack when he's feeling any number of emotions. He can be excited, upset, tired, anything - where a typical kid might say things - like yay! or awesome! or fun! -- Jack stims. But, I am not going any deeper inside this pity party house - oh no. Because shit happens, and that's life. Period. You have two roads in front of you - give up or keep going and try to make things better. I want to say I'm devoting this space to help others -- blah, blah, blah. But that's not true - it's for me and my mind. My sanity. It will evolve and change, I hope into something I can be proud of and when I've recovered Jack and he's old enough to understand all that was involved --- I will show him. Until then, here we go...first of many posts. At least it's a beginning to an end. I have a Skype meeting tomorrow with a Dr. that specializes in recovering kids with ASD. I feel huge, necessary change coming and hope we can all get on board. (ADRIAN!)